No News is Good News

I am holding steady. Very pleased with myself. Had a very similar eating day to yesterday. Just checking in. I was down another 2-3 pounds this a.m. No hunger, no fatigue--only clarity, energy and focus. I have a cold, and even in that, I only feel it in my throat--no achiness at all. Tomorrow comes the toughest day of the week for me ... I will have find a way to hold firm.

Keeping the Rhythm

Not much new on the eating front. I keep doing what I am supposed to do according to Dr. Fuhrman's six week plan. It is definitely working. I am eating two meals a day right now and am feeling quite satisfied. I am alert and focused and mentally clear--much more than when I am eating SAD--the Standard American Diet. I have taken enough weight off for it to be quite noticeable to me, but not necessarily to other people. I am moving easier. My skin is softer. I have lost the bloat. Even my hair is more cooperative. My skin tone is changing to a healthier look. All this is good.

While I have been at this point before, I don't think I have ever been at this point eating so purely clean. I have not been having salt in processed foods (hummus, refried beans--my two temptations). I have been strictly ETL. And, in the interest of weight loss and gaining health more quickly, I have not been having starchy vegetables or grains.

Learning to eat ETL is a very different from eating SAD. Dr. Fuhrman says that you should eat only when hungry. At first, this is a frightening prospect. However, it isn't as scary as it seems. And, I know for myself this is true. One time, I overate on ETL foods and I ended up throwing everything up. So, with that memory from 2 years ago fresh in my mind, I listen to my body more carefully.

Tonight, I thought I should eat because I haven't had much. But, when I tried to eat, my gag reflex kicked in and the food did not taste good (the same meal that tasted great last night). I quit eating that dish (beans, broccoli, onions and mushrooms--again, this tasted great last night) without finishing what I thought I would eat. Just to make sure I didn't run into trouble tonight, I had two bites of beans and again, started gagging. I stopped. I had about 4 raspberries and the walnuts that I planned to have. I ended up with a very small meal and feel just fine. Calorically, I know the meal was very low. But, I know that I am doing well nutritionally because I am not hungry and seem to be through the toxic hunger.

So, the bottom line is that I have been here before but let it go for SAD food. This time, I feel more tenacious. I feel like I am matter-of-factly accepting this way of life in a way that I didn't do--even when I successfully was 30 pounds lighter following the same plan. But, even then, I still ate processed refried beans (low sodium). I also went off plan 1-2 times a week. This time, I know the importance of staying fully on plan for the six weeks at least. In reality, I will probably need to be fully on board most of the time. Little concessions turn into big problems for me. At least, that is what my past tells me.

Another Great Day

I am definitely in a rhythm of Fuhrman eating, and it feels good. I was able to exercise this a.m. I ate two meals. This a.m. I posted another 2-3 pound weight loss. I am in a good mental place right now--no temptations of any kind. Had green juice this a.m. without sweet fruit--what a great feeling after I have had it. This was heavy with cabbage and kale with a zucchini and lime. I'm heading off to bed early, so I am not feeling like writing much. With my early morning exercise, I need to get to bed pretty early.

Odds and Ends in the Progress Toward Healing

I am now in my second week of being on Dr. Fuhrman's 6-week plan. I veered off a little on Friday, but all is going great. Even Friday had ETL-friendly foods and it wasn't hard to recover from that bout. I will say, though, that I did not sleep well on Friday, and I am wondering if that was from the bread and dates. I know that yeast in bread usually bothers me, so I usually stay away from bread. Gluten free bread tend to have higher amounts of yeast, I believe. Don't quote me on that--I may not remember accurately. But, gf yeast bread bothers me more than wheat bread in some ways. The bottom line is that I am a person who really shouldn't have bread period. It serves as a trigger food more often than not.

This morning was the first morning I felt really good running in a long time. This is especially good because it was definitely a humid morning. The day got hot, too, but in the Y it was air conditioned. The humidity tends to bother me even when inside, so I am think I am starting to get in better shape. I was able to push some of my running faster and did some of it slower. But, I ran 4 miles without stopping and felt good even at the end. I definitely broke a sweat. I feel fine all day and did not feel like I overdid it. 

At school today, I didn't get lunch. I didn't even feel like I needed it. I think I am going to plan to skip lunch tomorrow and just eat two meals. It makes food prep much easier, too. Plus, it is good for the body to go with two meals to give it more time to recover and heal.

I will also note that I was very tired over the weekend. Could be the results of the beginning of school. Could be the results of detox. Could be both. My energy was definitely back today, though, so I am relieved by that.

I cut the amount of fruit in my smoothies today, so there is another positive. I have been worried that I have had too much fruit. I used to have a quart smoothie with too much fruit.  Now, I am putting less fruit in and having only a pint. It is also nice to have smoothies made up for 2 days. Mr. C. and I each have a pint smoothie.

No weight loss today, but I am feeling great.

My Body Is Giving a Big Sigh of Relief

That line says everything right now in terms of where I am at. I have kept up the momentum over the weekend. Yesterday was a great day eating-wise, plus I ran 4 miles and lifted weights. I am through the worst of the initial "toxic hunger" cravings that Dr. Fuhrman talks about and that I have experienced before. I feel my desire for larger quantities of food decreasing as well. I am not hungry, and the best way to describe the way my body feels is that it is giving a big sigh of relief. I slept very well last night, and I think I needed some of that rest to recover from what was a crazy week with all four of us beginning school. Everyone goes through their own stresses when that happens, and it is always a tough week around here.

I am thrilled that my weight is down 13 pounds or so, and that weight loss is slowing down now a bit from the initial drop of water weight and bloating. My skin is feeling softer. And, after my initial Friday night foray off the strict plan that I have been keeping for myself, I was able to get myself back on track.

I am really going to miss the farmer's market. That gave me a nice supply of greens to juice. Mr. C. and I have each been having smaller green smoothies. We used to have a full mason jar. Now, we are each having half of that. I am finding myself satisfied with that amount. Yesterday and today, I made a helping of green juice to have with the breakfast smoothie, and it has tasted good. Yesterday, our green juice did not have fruit in--just the juice of half a lime. Today, our green juice had zucchini, kale, chard, cucumber, spinach, 1 orange and the juice of 1/3 of a lime. I am finding that I love the green juice--partly because I feel the effects of it so quickly.

One other thing I did notice yesterday was when I got up from sitting in the car. I was surprised by both the speed and ease with which I was able to move. That's one of the slight changes that caught me off guard. As for the rest of today, a nap is sounding very good. I am going to try not to push it, even though I would like to make a pot of soup. I feel like that might throw me off kilter for the week, to not treat today as a day of rest ...

The Friday Trap

I had a crazy Friday at work. Of course, when I got home, I had the desire to eat out, to let down, to eat foods that really are not foods. I did have a glass of green juice and that helped. I veered off track a little, but not bad for a Friday night. I feel like I am safely through the worst now, which really means that I no longer feel the urge to have anything. Instead of going completely off the rails, I had some dates (4-5), toast (2 small gluten free pieces), peanut butter in addition to walnuts, and a banana I really did not need. It all tasted good, and even though I wasn't very far off of plan, I did feel like it all was a treat. I also stopped when I felt satisfied. I will mark today as success even though I wasn't perfect.

Removing All the Addicting Foods

I am on another day of success and am feeling like a much different person than I did even five days ago. I have been completely on Dr. Fuhrman's six-week plan, which includes removing all salt, added oil, animal products, and sugar. It also includes focusing on getting leafy greens, fresh vegetables, seeds, beans, nuts, fruits. Like I said yesterday, my mental clarity is much improved and my energy levels are greatly increased. I have not felt tired and certainly do not feel the need for coffee or caffeine. Even though I have not had caffeine since early August, there are days I still definitely want it. In fact, the next time I do feel that need, I am going to juice a variety of greens. The juicing is proving a powerful tool in helping me succeed right now.

The most important learning that comes out of this week is that I need to remove all addictive foods--sugar, salt, animal products and processed foods. Even eating small portions trigger problems for me and just make it harder to stay on plan--especially in my transition. I am certain that at some point, I will add them in again. But, for now, I can only think of today and plan tomorrow. But, I am feeling strong right now and am building off of success. It helps, too, that I have taken off a good ten pounds since Saturday. I am sure that will all slow down now after this dramatic transition from terrible eating last week to great eating this week.

Fridays always trigger nasty patterns for me. I decided that for this Friday night, I am going to make a larger portion of green juice and have that. If I am not hungry, that is all I will have. Mr. Conundrum and I both love the taste of green juice and he thinks that will be a real treat, too. The beauty of a glass of green juice is that I think it will halt my cravings and because it feels like a treat, it may also curb my emotional eating.

My goal this time through is to commit for a lifetime to this type of eating and to take off the weight once and for all. I am not naive enough to think there won't be challenges, but I am tired of doing the same struggle over and over again and always wishing my weight to be different. I just need to make it happen and live the life I want to lead now.

Clarity of Mind and Increased Productivity

Today, I went and lifted weights and ran. It felt good, and I broke a great sweat running. It felt like I was getting rid of impurities now that my diet is cleaner. That may just be my imagination, but it felt like what it felt and that helps my mindset.

Today at work, I had so much to do, and I felt that clarity of mind that comes with healthier eating. I am actually eating quite healthy, but since I am only really a few days in full force, I can only say healthier eating :-). In fact, I have so much to do this year that I feel like the only way I will get through the year is if I do, in fact, stick to this plan. I am feeling much better and sleeping pretty well for the first week of school.

I am currently weighing myself daily--more because I am curious about how quickly my body is changing. Sometimes, I stay away from the scale because of impatience. But, right now, I am weighing out of curiosity. For what it is worth, I don't feel impatient this time around. Perhaps because I am on this for good. Perhaps because I am so busy.

Mr. C. and I juiced swiss chard, kale, cabbage, zucchini, orange, and squeezed juice of half a lime at the end. It was stronger than the other juices we have had, but I really liked the effect it had on me. If I succeed this time around, I think it will be because of the green juice. It really is refreshing and helps take cravings away very quickly--quicker than the food.

Momentum Part 2

I have had another good day. I have taken off 9 pounds since Saturday by changing my diet. I know a lot of that is water weight, but I feel so much better than I did 4 days ago.

I am eating the Fuhrman plan, and I am pleased with my staying on plan. One thing I have done yesterday and today is added green juice into the mix. I cannot believe how refreshing that is. Yesterday, I made a cucumber, lime, orange, apple, and kale juice mix. Mr. Conundrum and I both really enjoyed that mix. Then, today, I made a kale, swiss chard, orange, zucchini and lime mix that was delicious. I found myself energized by both the drinks that I had with dinner.

I am hoping to keep up with the juicing this year. The risk for the juicing is adding too much fruit, so today I went down to one piece of fruit. Mr. C. and I split the drink so that was the juice of half an orange.

Breakfast: Green smoothie with blueberries, strawberries, kale, romaine lettuce, and banana and a few beans

Lunch: Romaine lettuce salad with pinto, garbanzo, and black beans, cucumber, tomato, carrots and an orange juice, pomegranate juice and cashew dressing

Dinner: Steamed kale, spinach, mushrooms, onions, and zucchini, watermelon and cashews

All in all, things are going so much better. I feel so satisfied and distant from my cravings. Honestly, all the greens help, but I love the addition of the green juice. It really helps me. I feel very positive and like I can continue this tomorrow. And, that is what I plan to do.

Momentum

Yesterday was a bit of challenge to stay on track. However, I did manage to pull off an okay day. I stayed away from grains, meat, cheese. I did have eggs and wine and a date/nut treat. The scale was down today after two better (but not perfect days). Just dropping some of the bloat really takes away the weight. I feel much better, just reinforcing the lesson that grains and bad food is addictive to me and impacts my body in mental and physical ways--all of which are destructive.

Today is the final day before three of us start school. Mr. Twister still has a couple days to go before he starts, so he will spend time with grandma. Today, I have a lot to do. I feel good because I started the day with a 4 mile run with just a bit walking at the beginning to warm up. It felt good and the weather was lovely. Also, yesterday, I got the pesky closet/room cleaning that I wanted to get done this summer. Nothing like waiting till the final moment--sigh. But, it feels like a burden is lifted to have that cleaned--especially since I am donating a lot of things and clearing out some space.

I need to buy groceries for the week. I am getting healthy options for myself. For the moment, that is progress. In the throes of addiction, momentum is sometimes the hardest thing to find.

Time to Turn Myself Around

The final two weeks of August were not good for me, and I took it out on myself. I ate poorly and then did not feel like exercising. That is the most important thing I need to remember: how counterproductive bad foods are on my mental health. The mental health really impacts the physical health (and vice versa). For me, the bad foods generally start the process.  I eat foods that contribute to disease, not health, and I do not exercise like I should. And, I also understand that I am addicted to the unhealthy foods. I must break the addiction if I plan to get off the roller coaster, and to do that, I need to stop emotional eating.

Yesterday, I started eating better. It should be no surprise that exercising went better today than yesterday--even though yesterday was only walking and today was run/walking. I did not sleep well last night. But, the weather was glorious: a delightful fall day with low humidity! How refreshing was that. For me, I know humidity plays a role in my summer issues. I should probably chart humidity levels with my eating patterns. I think, too, the fact that we do not have central air impacts my response to humidity. Our window air conditioners just do not tackle the humidity or cooling very effectively in hot humid weather. I know the humidity does not help my weight. In some ways, I think I have reverse seasonal affective disorder where I get depressed in summer and feel better the other three seasons.

I did weigh myself yesterday, and the results were awful. I am glad that I did this, though, because often I do not weigh myself at a high. Then, I regret it as I start with a lower number in terms of seeing progress. Plus, I do not want to be in denial about my weight because that, too, is counterproductive.

Today, I am cleaning some things at home that have been weighing me down mentally. It feels very good. Of course, I planned to get to them all summer, but that never happened. I plan to continue this momentum today. I am at the top end of my "too big" clothes. I also plan to do some shopping today. Sadly, I am going to need to rely on my blue shirt for the start of school. I think I am going to get rid of this round of big clothes after they are just that. I did that with the two sizes above where I am now, and I  have never gone there again. Keeping these clothes fosters a mindset that it is okay to choose destructive eating paths, which I no longer want to do for my health and my weight.

All the reasons I need to lose weight:

be around for my family
overall health
vanity (of course this plays a role)
blood pressure
diabetes
ability to enjoy life
good mental health
easier aging process

I know there are more reasons, but that is a start for right now.

August Recap

• August was a good month for exercise. Sadly, though, I have let things go a little bit at the end of August. It did not help that my bike broke and since finances have been tight, I have not replaced it or fixed it. The bike is 19 years old. I would like to upgrade to a more serious bike. I have postponed the decision till spring, though. I do want to commit to biking a lot next year, though, so I am hoping to be able to afford the bike then. Weight-wise: I am higher than I was at the beginning of August. It is time to change that.

• August 2: Ran/walked 4 miles
• August 3: Biked 12 miles
• August 6: Biked 12 miles
• August 8: Elliptical 5.5 miles (intervals of 4 and 10 resistance)
• August 9: Lifted weights and ran/walked 4 miles
• August 10: Biked 12 miles
• August 11: Ran/walked 6 miles and 4.25 miles on elliptical with easier interval resistances (3 and 1)
• August 12: Walked/ran 4.25 miles
• August 14: Ran most of 6 miles
• August 15: Lifted weights, 4.25 on elliptical with intervals 4 and 10
• August 16: 5 miles-ran 3 and walked 2
• August 17: Biked 11 miles, lifted weights, ran/walked 1.5 miles
• August 19: Ran/walked 6 miles
• August 22: Walked/ran 6 miles
• August 23: Weightlifting and 5 miles on elliptical at intervals 4 and 12
• August 27: 6 mile walk/run
• August 30: 2.75 Walk/Run

Struggling ...

I have been struggling the past couple days. I think the high humidity yesterday bothered me. And, today that pattern continues even though the humidity has dropped. I know that going back to school is starting to bother me, too. I have so much to do yet I want to enjoy the final days of unstructured time. Tomorrow, I have work to do at school.

Mr. Conundrum is off looking at cars. He just bought a car earlier this spring, and he appears to want to get rid of it. I never wanted this particular car, and apparently, he does not like it either. The thing about Mr. C. is that he is a very practical person in terms of what he wants and spends money on, but his obsession with cars is definitely a vice. Luckily, he buys cheap cars rather than expensive ones. But, the uncertainty of what he is going to do next drives me into a form of crazy. It's not a serious crazy or even a source of tension since he generally knows how to get a very good deal on cars.

I know I need to get my eating back in line. I'm not sure if it will happen today, though. I should be okay tomorrow since I do have a sort of schedule tomorrow.

A Salty Scale and Decisions

Last night and this morning, I made the mistake of stepping on the scale. I knew I should not, but I did anyway. While my weekend was not great from a weight loss perspective, it was not completely detrimental to a positive trend either. I stayed away from the worst trigger foods for me: cheese, dairy-based dips and potato chips. What I did have in place of these were too many cherries and salted peanuts. The good part about avoiding these was that I was able to get right back on my desire to eat right yesterday.

Yesterday was not fully on the Eat to Live plan, but it was a good day. I did end up with a tofu and veggie dish from a local Chinese restaurant. I limited the rice I had with it, and there is a light-tasting brown sauce on the veggies. And, while the sauce does not taste salty, I am sure that it is.

The end result of all this is a weight gain of six pounds since Friday. I know it is water weight, but I also know to give myself space from the scale during a time like this since the water weight leads to discouragement. I even know from the ways my clothes are fitting that I am doing better, not worse overall. I have to admit I am looking forward to school starting--if only for the fact that I will have a more structured schedule.

Again, though, rather than let this frustration get to me, I am continuing on! I started the day with a good weightlifting workout and then five miles on the elliptical. I think today it would help me to clean out my clothes, room and closet. And, with that, I know I need to get rid of clothes to make all this work better. And, I know the dilemma that I need to face is what to do with all my "bigger" clothes. Do I play it safe and thus give myself permission to gain weight? Or, do I trust that I have made the internal commitment that says, "Okay, this is it." I know the answer needs to be the latter because I want to have health above all else, and giving myself permission to be this weight is not healthy.

Monday Musings

The weekend was good. The boys especially had a great time. My fortitude served me well the first part of the weekend, but I struggled by the end. I know I struggled for a variety of reasons, but it is really difficult to be out of my schedule and routines and keep on plan. It is also difficult not to be the one in charge of food and to be surrounded by it all the time. This weekend has become an annual family event, and I will say that I did much, much better this year than last year.

While I have many areas I need to work on, one of the biggest areas I need to work on is that I can't let two bad days become more than that. I am home now. I am in my own kitchen. I have healthy options here, and I am getting back fully on plan. As if to prove that idea to myself, I started today with a 6 mile run/walk. I did not have a great exercise day and walked far more than I would have liked. But, I did it and got my heart rate up. I burned some calories. And, I got some miles on my legs. I came home and had a green smoothie and some beans. I should be good till dinner.

A Plain Meal: Not So Bad

Tonight, I made a very plain meal. There were a number of things going on and I just needed to stay on my  ETL (Eat to Live) plan. I steamed mushrooms, onions and zucchini with a cube of salt-free vegan bouillon. I had to use the zucchini soon, so that was what I made the main veggie.  I expected not to like it at all, but I was pleasantly surprised when the meal tasted very good. It helped to top the mix with a half of avocado (avocado can improve the taste of anything :-). I had expected to force the meal down with a reward of my very favorite right now: organic cherries. They are spectacular right now.

My eating has been cleaner this week than all summer. That is paying off in how I feel. The scale isn't moving drastically, but I am not worried because I know everything has been in balance. My challenge will come this weekend, but I am definitely planning ahead for it. I am feeling empowered and potentially successful. I also want to keep in mind that I do not want to start over again. My cravings are diminishing and my energy levels are higher. I have not been hungry today and felt like my dinner portion size could be smaller. I actually forgot to eat my beans today, but I will get them tomorrow. I think my appetite was down, too, because I did not exercise today. I am planning on a longer run in the morning. Not sure I will get back here till after the weekend. But, I hope it is to report success!

Fragmented Nutritional Knowledge

I was sort of watching Dr. Oz at the Y while doing my short stint of running yesterday. I wasn't watching real closely (I was, however, watching the time tick down since Mr. C. and I were going to head to the hot tub). Anyway, it looked like an expert and Dr. Oz were going down a list of foods and what they prevented. At one point, they focused on a fruit being good for cervical cancer. I think this is all great information, and it all speaks to the power of nutrition in lifestyle.

What I do find problematic is the fragmented nature of this. Yes, these are good foods and should be eaten, but I wonder how many people focus then so much of the foods in isolation. I know for myself I could add more, let's say, blackberries because I know they are good for me. But, if I am still indulging in other unhealthy foods, is that same benefit still there? I know for me--and this may or may not be true for other people--such an approach is too fragmented to be helpful. There are so many "healthy fragments" that I could incorporate a couple of them and mistakenly call myself healthy. That is something I no longer wish to do. In that way, I find great comfort in the way that Dr. Fuhrman's Eat to Live program combines all that nutritional information in a way to live for optimum health.

The More Things Change, The More They Stay the Same

Today, Mr. Conundrum forced me to go through some old books to clear out some space. This is a long overdue task, but the reality of my life is that I need Mr. C. to push me to do things like this--the physical organization of space. While I was sorting through the books, I found an old journal--at least 10 years old. Like many journals of mine, this had two pages of good intentions, and then the writing stopped. The journal was, yes, about focusing on myself, so I could lose weight. I found it ironic that in the big scheme of things, I had made no progress and depending on the year, much regression since I wrote that.

Certainly, my little spurt right now is of a changed person. But, I have had other moments like that in the past ten years. I definitely feel committed right now. But, a month ago I was, and I did not maintain my commitment. So, I am right back where I started from on paper. I think, though, with my history and the fact that I could write the same thing now more than ten years later shows how little progress I have made. This in and of itself is very discouraging, and I could choose to see it as only discouraging.

But, I do feel things are different. I feel like my successes and failures this summer are all part of the same attempt and that I am definitely moving toward success. I certainly have much greater nutritional knowledge and how that knowledge can change my future. Thanks to Eat to Live, I know intellectually what I need to do to change and why I need to do it. I need to eat by getting the highest nutritional value of the foods I eat. I need to make salad the main dish every day. I need to have green smoothies and lots of beans and salad greens to take away the cravings. I need to have cooked greens and nuts to help my body toward health, toward healing. I have to go through toxic hunger in order to end up without it.

And, I think the most important thing I learned is that I have to follow Dr. Fuhrman's plan fully or I do not make it. Part of why I fall off is denial. If I do it halfway, I can be successful--obviously, that is not true or I wouldn't be thinking the same words from my past would hold true in every way today. Another thing I have learned, too, is that I didn't set myself up for success by maintaining my coffee habit--thinking if I took care of the eating, the coffee could follow. However, I do believe the coffee had to be gone first in order to have the eating plan follow. My cravings are not nearly so strong and my mental clarity is better than when I have coffee. Part of that clarity comes from sleeping better.

A challenge to where I am right now will come in the form of this weekend. I have some nice momentum right now and an exercising/eating plan for the week. I will need to do better than last weekend and last year at this time. This weekend has a number of challenges that I do need to meet head-on. I am hoping that the success of this week will breed the success of the future in the form of this weekend. But, really, the choice is mine for this. I just need to make it happen.

Monday Musings

Monday is a pretty important day in the world of "dieting", which I am not doing. However, I cannot help but be cognizant of a cycle that has been part of my life and part of other's lives for a long time. When I do not do well eating, I always think, "I will start on Monday." This line is perhaps one of the biggest falsehoods of my life. Very rarely have I ever started on Monday, and much of the time, the line was excuse to avoid responsibility. And, if I did actually start on Monday, it was because I was internally motivated.

Even now, Monday carries significance. Weekends are historically some of my worst eating times, so taking stock on Monday is also part of what I have done. If I have eaten poorly (even if I am in a good streak), I find I dread the responsibility that comes on Monday to make things right again with my eating patterns. And, if I have done fairly well over the weekend, then Monday is a particularly positive day that does not contain the cognitive dissonance of having my actions not meet my wishes. I like these kind of Mondays.

Yet, some of these destructive patterns do come from a lack of structure that comes on the weekend. In this case of this upcoming weekend, I will be traveling and unable to stick to my routines, which, for the moment are more positive than negative. I did indulge in some of my mom's home-cooked comfort food last night, but my indulgence was controlled. Most importantly, I did not allow it to become more than a one-night deal. Today, I have been back on track and ate fully on the Fuhrman plan.

In terms of today as Monday, I would feel better about myself if I hadn't gone off plan on Saturday. But, I am pleased with where I am at. And, I haven't beat myself up over any of it. Last weekend is what it is. Today is what it is. And, tomorrow, I will wake up feeling good from my exercise today and feeling good because I ate well today. And, it feels good to put caffeine withdrawal behind me. I am feeling a mental clarity that I like.

And Then the Headache Hit ...

And I stopped moving ... I was rolling right along with the caffeine removal and was floored most of Friday and Saturday with the infamous withdrawal headache. Wow. I don't think I have ever felt that bad on the few occasions I have removed caffeine. That pretty much stopped me in my tracks. I did not feel like doing anything and felt like I could hardly move. Since I don't get headaches very often, I am fairly sure this one was related to caffeine withdrawal, but I keep wondering if I had some sort of illness. Yet, it's not the time of the year when I usually get sick. And, I haven't had that type of headache when I have been sick. I had to run to the farmer's market yesterday and ended up making soup for the freezer. That is all that I did that was productive yesterday.

I did get off Fuhrman plan a little bit last night. I think my emotional eating defenses were down because of the headache.  It always scares me how quickly I can derail. The headache may have been worse because I was in food detox, too, as I followed the plan very well last week--except, of course, last night. I did hold it together pretty well when Mr. Conundrum brought home chips. I had a few and stopped, which was very good. I wish I could say I stopped like that on the ice cream, but ...

I am not going to beat myself up--just going to have a good day today. I started with a 6 mile run. I am very slow since I am carrying too much weight, but it feels good to be out there and I am feeling stronger. I did have an excellent week for weight loss last week and am feeling like I am gaining some healthy momentum. This is good because I think I am going to train for a half-marathon this fall. Until this morning, I wasn't sure I could do so this year. I did the same one last year and felt very good about doing it. My goal was to finish and not come in last, and I made those goals. This year, I would like to improve my time, which shouldn't be too hard if I train and eat well. That's the benefit of being really slow--haha. I have an approachable personal record to beat.

The younger Misters got home from camp yesterday. They had a good time--although Mr. Transistor came home with a cough and a cold ... But, it's great to have them home. Goal for today: eat on plan. I may have to get a bit creative as to what that means tonight since we are going to my parents for dinner.

Moving Right Along

I began the day by run/walking 4.25 miles or so. I planned for it to be an easy run/walk since I did so well yesterday with my 10 miles total. I wanted to show my dad the trail I use, though, and it was convenient for him, so we went out and did it! I enjoyed myself immensely and told myself I could walk whenever I wanted to. And, I walked a fair amount. But, I also ran and I got my heart rate up and broke a sweat and felt good afterwards. I can feel, though, that tomorrow will be a light exercise day. I have done well the past 24 hours and I will continue that today. Since today is my last full day without the younger Misters, I am going to go enjoy it to its fullest--starting with a nap!!!!

Serious Action Taken: Caffeine Gone and Measurements Taken

One of the most difficult things for me with weight loss is the lack of caffeine in some form. For months, I have been addicted to decaf coffee. Yet, I know even decaf coffee triggers cravings--some types more than others. Of course, I also know that all decaf is not created equally--some decaf has nearly as much caffeine as regular caffeinated coffee. For the past two days, I have been very tired and groggy in the afternoon. Since the younger Misters are gone, I have had a week that feels like a vacation. It feels good. I needed it. And, this likely is the only week that will feel that way of the summer. I am replacing decaf coffee with herbal tea.

Mr. Conundrum is supporting me very well in my lifestyle change. He asked me if we should take my measurements today, and so we did. I haven't done this in a long time. In fact, two years ago when I was successful with weight loss--that was the last time. I am not sure I am going to post them here yet. I know I should. I need to think. Right now, it's not like anyone is reading, but at some point there may be one or two :-).

Because I did so well on my exercise, my day today will be a two-meal day. I had a late and large breakfast.

My breakfasts are the same nearly every day: assorted fruit smoothie with kale and assorted greens and chia seed added, so I am not going to post those. Today, I did add sunflower seeds to the smoothie to help with exercise recovery.

Dinner tonight is going to be grilled veggies with added beans or tofu. I need to run the errands to get all the ingredients, but I am excited about a low-salt Dr. Fuhrman marinade that I am going to use. I would like some cherries for dessert.

Feeling good and doing well this week. Mr. Conundrum got some take-out food last night and I did not even want it. Wow.

Sharing Information

Last night, Mr. Conundrum and I watched the PBS special with Dr. Fuhrman. It was great to be able to have Mr. C. hear the info for himself. I have read so much Fuhrman that I am quite familiar with the program, and I have followed it at least halfway for several years. I know one of my downfalls is the fact that the Misters in my house are not on the program, and that is what gets me off track more than anything--having the food here and the ease of indulging. Of course, there are myriad other factors for my lack of success as well, but that is a major starting point.

We saved our pledge to public television until we could get the Fuhrman thank-you gift. I am excited because as part of our gift, we get two tickets to one of his presentations in January! Mr. C. has agreed to go with me. He is very intrigued by the program and found it quite interesting last night. It helped for him to hear the info straight from Dr. F.

On the program, Dr. Fuhrman was talking about how prescriptions for medications give people permission not to take care of themselves. In my case, I think I have given myself permission to go off and on--always with the intent of going fully on the plan later. Well, later isn't going to last forever, and I just need to do this for all facets of my life.

Yesterday, I made a very good soup. I made it after I had eaten dinner, so I just had a bowl for lunch. It tasted quite delicious. I did not follow a recipe--just added things I had. I am glad there is a lot more of the soup :-). I still have the ingredients, so I may actually make another pot and freeze the soup in individual portions. I have several containers in the freezer already.

For my memory:
2 containers of low salt vegetable broth
2 onions (farmers market)
1 head cabbage (farmers market)
1 bag of organic mixed mushrooms (frozen)
1 bag of peas (frozen)
1 pack of asparagus (frozen)
corn cut off from 4 fresh cobs (farmers market)
3 stalks celery (farmers market)
3 larger carrots (farmers market)
1 zucchini (farmers market)
6 tomatoes (garden)
Vogue Veggie onion soup base
3 no-salt added vegetable bouillon

The hardest part was all the chopping. Other than that, everything (including clean up) went very smoothly. I do note how much easier clean-up is without the use of animal products. The remaining ingredients come right off without scrubbing at all! The soup was truly delicious and very satisfying. This is good because the cooked greens part of the program is one I struggle with most. Very tasty!

Motivation

Mr. Conundrum and I watched Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead last night, and we both were glad we watched it. We both give the movie high ratings for calling attention to problems in the Standard American Diet (SAD). We thought the stories of both men (Joe and Phil) were inspiring and visibly showed how a vegetable-based diet with fruit changes someone who has been eating a Standard American (Australian in Joe's case) Diet. We also liked the cartoon interludes in the movie--they added humor to a powerful and sometimes depressing message for those caught up in full addiction to SAD.

Watching the movie makes me want to get a good juicer for greens, though. However, doing that may have to wait awhile on the financial priority list. We have morning smoothies that have lots of greens and fruit in them and we do not need to get a juicer to be healthier. Watching a program like this is a good reminder of what I need to do and why. In the past, I would run out and buy a juicer as a magic cure.

And, while I do not dispute juicing's success or importance,  I already have my high-power Vita-Mix that I use almost daily for our smoothies. What I can do right now is follow Dr. Fuhrman's 6-week eating plan, which will get me dramatic results without a credit card bill. Since Mr. Conundrum and I are trying to trim the fat from our wallet, too, knowing that success comes from following the 6-week program is invaluable. Either way, I need to do something.

Besides weight loss, one of the most noticeable parts of Joe and Phil's improvement in health was their skin tone. I know that when I have been committed to Dr. Fuhrman's eating program of nutritional excellence, I noticed the same change in my own skin. I am on my way to getting back to that. I love the way that feels. I also know my mental clarity is unsurpassed and that I feel years younger when I eat a plant-based diet with greens at the center of it.

My big problem is that I want to have it both ways, which I can't. And, I think that is why I vacillate so much. I have to stay fully on Dr. Fuhrman's plan or I have big derailments. I do best when I am on his plan, and to date, it is the only plan in my adult life that has lead to success and weight loss. I have maintained a 40-50 pound weight loss for four years by incorporating green smoothies. Then, I go back and forth and my intentions of following the program seem to get buried in my addiction to SAD food. Today, however, will not be one of those days.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous today! I have already lifted weights and run/walked 4+ miles. I need to get off the computer because CLEANING is on the agenda.

Mornings and Exercise

My whole day goes better if I exercise in the morning. It was difficult getting back on track today. Mentally, I fought it more than necessary. Physically, I knew I needed it. It's been a rough couple weeks on the scale. So, I knew I was at a turning point: do or buy new clothes in bigger sizes, something I have no desire to do. This morning, when I got done, I felt so much better. I enjoyed a green smoothie when finished, too, so my day is off to a great start.

Additionally, what I know about myself is that even if I say I am going to go exercise later in the day, I often do not make it. I spend way too much time in mental anguish, saying "I better get to the Y ..."When I go in the morning, I don't spend a good portion of the day in cognitive dissonance, thinking I need to go but not wanting to go. Mornings take care of that issue. Just get up and go. No time to spend talking myself out of it.

Yet, even as I know this, I still fight against going in the morning. Today, it was Mr. Conundrum who got me there. I knew I better go since he was going. He ran on the treadmill while I did about 5.5 on the elliptical. It felt good to sweat.

Mr. Conundrum and I are using the absence of Mr. Transistor and Mr. Twister to refocus ourselves. We have given ourselves a spending limit for their absence, which should curb restaurant visits. We also plan to eat very healthy. Often when the kids have been gone, we indulge in restaurant foods and snacks. This time, we are off to a great start! Five full days without the Ts--it feels good, but I miss them a lot. I am sure they are having fun, though, since they both love wilderness camp!

July Review

July Review

• July 16: Lifted weights, ran 2 miles, elliptical 5 miles (intervals on 4 and 10 resistances)
• July 17: Ran between 4 and 5 of a total of 5.5 miles
• July 18: 7 miles elliptical (first hour-intervals 6 and 12: extra fifteen minutes intervals on 4 and 10), 6 miles on recumbent bike-a variety of levels, but I didn't push it too hard
• July 19: Lifted weights (pushed a few up), short treadmill walk of less than a mile while Mr. Conundrum finished his run
• July 20: 6.5 miles: 1/3 walk, 4 miles run, the rest walk/run
• July 21: Lifted weights (felt strong), elliptical 2.5 miles (intervals 4 and 12)
• July 27: Ran 4 miles

My posts and my absence and my exercise list are indicative about what my problem is with fitness. I do really well. I don't. I do really well. I don't. The cycle is vicious. Today, I am going to do well and that is all that I have. I know a big catalyst for me to NOT do well was traveling last week, but to let that get to me four days before I went and a week after I got back--good grief, there is no excuse. Yet, I seem to have plenty of them. The thing is that I enjoyed my time away--probably too much. But, I am moving again, focused again (I think :-).

This week, Mr. Transistor and Mr. Twister are going to a wilderness camp together. I am looking forward to the time to refocus. I have minimal commitments. Mr. Conundrum and I are planning on exercising a lot and eating healthy. Often, when the boys go away, we are tired and don't do anything. Tomorrow is our 18th wedding anniversary, and we plan to spend it driving them to camp in the same area where I lived when and where we got engaged.

So, I need to get focused in August. I have exercised three times, but that is truly the lazy way out. I had plenty of time and opportunity. The humidity has been horrid, and I do not handle it well. Yet, I know I can exercise in it, but when it is humid, if I don't go right away in the morning, I rarely do well later in the day. Mornings are key. This week looks good for mornings. Today is off to a good start. A 12 mile bike ride and the day is young ... My days always go better with exercise in the morning.

Confession: This week, I knew something was terribly off track when I wore the BLUE SHIRT AGAIN! Yikes!

Goal Setting

One of my favorite school guidance counselors that I have worked with frequently discussed the importance of goals with students when he talked to them about course registration. He had done a lot of reading about the power of goals, and he talked about how much better people did with goals than without. 

I need to make a set of goals. I have had them in mind, but I haven't put them down in print in a meaningful way. And, that's what I need to do right now. Put those goals in print.

• Health

• Lack of cognitive dissonance between what I should do and what I do

• Ability to move better whether running, biking, swimming, etc. I don't mind being in the slow part of my age group, but I would love to move into the middle realm

• Sleeveless shirts

• Smaller clothes

• No medications as I age

• I would love to see my bone structure--something I haven't seen in a long time. Have I even seen it since elementary school? If I am honest, I haven't. How wide are my hips? 

• Run a 10K with Mr. Conundrum and my dad this fall. Hopefully, we will get Mr. Twister to run as well

• Run a half-marathon with Mr. Conundrum and a friend??? I did this last year and enjoyed it (surprisingly). I would like to beat my time and be able to run more at the end.

I am sure I have more goals. But these are all I can think of now. I will probably add more to the list as I think of them.

I did okay eating today. Not fully Fuhrman. I made a mix of onions and zucchini that I don't like much. Also, I don't like my plain portabella mushroom without dressing on it. I added a bit of prepared hummus to these. and then I had a few more crackers and prepared hummus to keep me from straying further. Not too bad, though.

I felt strong lifting weights today. I then did a half-hour on the elliptical (intervals 4 and 12). I did not feel particularly great doing that, but I know it was good. My exercise momentum is currently very good. Everything is feeling stronger.

Wearing My Dilemma on my Big Blue Shirt Sleeves

While I am teaching summer school, I struggle every day with what to wear. First off, I don't have many summer clothes for work. Secondly, I have few summer clothes that fit me at this size. Today, I wore a shirt that is way too big. Granted, it's a light blue shirt that requires no ironing. It's at least two sizes too big. I love and hate this shirt. It's soft and looks nice. The color is good for my eyes. This shirt has been there for me when I have failed myself (silly concept really, thinking of an inanimate object this way, but it is the truth). I have been able to wear this shirt when my weight has started to spiral out of control at the end of the school year.

I could probably gain 40-50 pounds and fit in this shirt. In fact, I wore this shirt when I was that much heavier. Now, rather than being daily wear, this shirt is a final resort: I wear it when nothing else fits. This shirt is one that represents my cycles: smaller in the summer and bigger by the end of the school year. I overcommit myself during the school year, and then my health spirals out of control because I run out of time to focus on myself and I start to rely on fast food, and then the cycle begins. I use food as a coping mechanism to get through piles of papers and the cycle grows and continues. I cannot find the equilibrium I have right now.

This blue shirt is the largest piece of spring/summer clothing I own. Every year, I think I should get rid of this shirt because it is a destructive "safety net". An ironic name really. Eating the way I do when I wear this shirt is not safe. It's a self-destructive pattern. There is nothing safe about this shirt. In any way. Yet, as I struggle with needing to get rid of this shirt, my tendency is to want to keep it "just in case". For three years, I have worn it because my other shirts did not fit. For three years, the shirt has looked horrible on my because it is too big. But, I keep thinking: what if I need this shirt next year?

This blue shirt is a really a symbol of my fear of both success and failure. As I said, it's a safe shirt. It's plenty large and I swim in it. It "hides" an expanding waist line. It's a final-end. I have no bigger shirts than this. I fear if I get rid of it, I will regret it. I keep it because I fear I will fail. I keep it because I fear success. How will I get to next spring and keep an identity that eats well, that eats healthy?

I don't know how I will do other than one decision at a time. But, I know I need to make those decisions. I must get rid of this shirt. I have gotten rid of other larger clothing without this same attachment. I also have not regretted getting rid of any of it. I also have not needed to go buy the larger clothing because the fact that I had no other clothing helped reign me in. Even as I write this, I think: "I can keep this shirt as an example of a shirt that was of a bigger size--a who-I-was relic, rather than a who-I-am piece of clothing." That is not honest, though. I want to keep it because it is a safety net--perhaps because if I keep it, I don't have to change. Yes, if I am honest with myself, I know that I see the shirt as safe ground, as a sign that I can continue destructive patterns. I absolutely need to get rid of my blue shirt. And, I am afraid to do it. But, I need to. This is part of the commitment I need to make to myself. For goodness sakes, it looks terrible on me. I don't even like wearing clothes about three sizes too big. There is no reason to keep it.

Exercise: walk/run 6 miles
Eating: Full Eat to Live

One other observation on how I feel: I feel like I am cleansing in many ways, that I am sweating out weight. It's almost a tingly feeling in my hands, around my feet even above my chest where I feel like I am both shrinking and gaining well being.

Heat and Internet Problems

All is well here. The heat is bad and getting worse. Internet down and I am just checking in for the sake if checking in. I lifted weights today and took a short walk. Pushed myself on weights. Did not push myself in walk. Eating fine but not great. I hate such hot humid weather. Sigh. Internet access tomorrow I hope. That's all for now.

Success Breeds Success

The evening is early, but I feel like I am through the nasty time of temptation, so I am writing early for me (I like to reflect on the day in writing). I have had a day that promotes health, which is my goal! One of my observations about getting going on eating healthy is that if I have a few imperfect days where I worry less about balance and more about whole foods, then I am able to get closer and closer to the Fuhrman Eat to Live plan. Today is my first day since Friday where I have been 100% on the six week program, and it feels good.

In the past three days, I have noticed the following benefits.
   • Overall feeling of well being
   • Improved sleep
   • Improved exercise
   • More alert
   • Rings fitting better (even in high humidity)
   • Clothes fitting better
   • More positive attitude
   • Increased productivity
I hope by maintaining a list of benefits, I can look at that during those times of temptation in order to avoid this.

Today, after I was teaching summer school, I was thinking very positively about how I could have a healthy day. I felt great about the prospects. Then, I thought about being able to do this all the time and giving up the foods I have loved most of my life, I had a low moment and could only see myself failing. The thing is that I want health and I don't want to fail. The way I got through the moment was by thinking about how I can only live in the moment. I also know that the more I stick to this, the more it becomes habit and what I crave. Dr. Fuhrman talks about how tastes change, and I know they do. I have experienced it. I experienced incredible success on the program two years ago and lost 40 pounds from where I am now. I want to exceed that for myself and I want to move out of this perpetual cycle I have of starting and stopping healthy habits. I know that my only way to success is through Eat to Live. I need those greens!

Breakfast: Smoothie with kale, romaine lettuce, spring mix, blueberries, strawberries, banana, apple and chia seed.

Dinner: water-sauteed onions and zucchini with salt-free bouillon, lightly grilled portabella mushroom, tomato, 1/2 avocado, raspberries, and a small handful of raw, unsalted pistachios, almonds and sunflower seeds

Exercise: 7 miles on intervals on elliptical, 6 miles on recumbent bike

Not Perfect But Moving Forward

I had a good day in many regards. I am sleeping so much better since improving my diet from Thursday. It's incredible how quickly that happens. I have noticed it before, and I need to keep it in mind before getting off track. I much prefer sleeping well.

Another accomplishment: Day 3 without regular decaf coffee. I suppose this is the biggest help to my sleep--LOL. I did indulge in Swiss water press coffee, which decaffeinates coffee using water and which eliminates all but a trace of caffeine. I have read that decaf coffee can actually have quite a bit of caffeine in it, and my own experiences with decaf concur with that idea--i.e. through agitated sleep after decaf.  So, right now that is my big accomplishment is getting off the small amount of caffeine in decaf coffee. This is a huge addiction to get rid of because the coffee with caffeine triggers cravings for bad foods. I have not had that happen with the Swiss water press coffee in the past.

I also ran/walked 5.5 miles today, which is great considering the weather. It's oppressive here in the Midwest with temps calling for excessive heat warnings. The humidity is extremely high, too. I did have too many starches today and not enough green veggies, but I stayed vegan today and I don't think I overdid the eating with my exercise. Also, when weather is like this, I typically avoid exercise. I am pleased with success today. My glasses fog up every time I go outside. Mr. Twister went off to a wilderness camp today and will be outside all week in this horrid heat. I hope they swim a lot and that the kids do okay.

Decent Day

I did better than most days this week. I started the day by weightlifting and running. I made it two miles and then my knee started bothering me just a tad. I decided that since I am heavy for running, I would stop immediately. I then hopped on the elliptical and did intervals for nearly an hour at resistance 4 and 10. When all was said and done, I totaled nearly 5 miles on the elliptical  to add to my 2 miles on the treadmill for a total of nearly 7 miles. I felt good during the whole time. I did lots of errand running--i.e. grocery stores for all sorts of things.

I was not fully on the Fuhrman plan yet, but I did very well overall. We had company for dinner and I did not stray too far off the plan.

Breakfast: smoothie with chia, fruits, and greens; sunflower seeds; garbanzo beans
Snack: crackers and hummus
Dinner: lots of veggies, 1/2 bratwurst and fruit

Biggest Accomplishment: No decaf coffee

Hot, humid days like this are usually treacherous for me. I am glad my husband and I decided to exercise first thing in the morning.

Getting Serious

I need to get serious about my health. I eat well for a couple weeks, and then I lose for a few days to a week or two. As a result, I am in a perpetual cycle of sameness. I feel awful when I go in this never-ending circle that ultimately hurts me. I also sleep better when I eat well. I need to get this cycle and addiction under control.

I have decided that I am going to follow Dr. Fuhrman's Eat to Live program. I have been messing around with it off and on for several years, and when I followed it consistently, I was about 40 pounds lighter than I am today. I feel so good on the program--why would  I went back today and have had a good day overall for day one--it was not a perfect Fuhrman day but it was much better than yesterday and the day before. 

On the plus side, I had plenty of kale and other greens. I had fruit, which is a negative because it was too much. I also had soup, although it did not have mushrooms or leafy greens it. I had two kinds of crackers, which I would be better off without. And, I ate pistachios with salt on them. Oh, and a big plus, I did not have my fix of decaf coffee today. So, that is huge. No exercise, though, but lots of odds and ends taken care of.

I have dallied with blogging for awhile and I think that getting serious about the blog would help, too. So, I need to do that now. This is very random, but it is posted. I have committed.

Mixed Success

The good news: I have had an incredibly productive day with more healthy choices today than in a long time! I have graded papers for at least 10 hours and have surpassed my goal of what I thought I would get done. I feel like a burden is being released. I plan to do grade some more papers tonight to get even more momentum. I also have balanced how I approach the papers in a way that is allowing me enjoyment of the process. There are times when it is so intense that it is hard to do that. I have found the ideal balance on this assignment.

On the good news side, too: I also made a shredded chicken dish to bring to my parents' house this weekend as I am helping them move. Mr. Twister and I have accomplished a lot of reading today to meet his reading goal for school on Monday. He has trouble with focus and independent reading, but he does really well being read to. He won't make it if he has to read all of it himself. Mr. Twister is feeling good about this. I watched with envy tonight as Mr. Conundrum headed out the door for a length exercise session. Next week, that will be me again. Things start to open up. Mr. Transistor is a bit under the weather with a cold. I am hoping that will not be me next week ...

The bad news: I did have two pieces of dessert for supper, cheese, some caramel corn, and a glass of juice. No healthy choices there. Yes, I got a bit carried away but I stopped. Even with this burst, I am feeling good. Breakfast and lunch were nearly all veggie, beans, fruit and nuts in controlled portions. Progress and action always helps. It's amazing the weight anticipation can hold over me at times. I think that's a point I need to write more about at a later time. I know that I emotionally eat in moments of dread--especially when I lose all time for myself. That's what I have been doing lately--certainly, it's what happened last weekend. I don't know. Even this bad news just isn't feeling too bad because of all I got done. If I stay up late tonight, get up early, then on Sunday, I should be able to have a reduced workload and some space for me. That is what I need more than anything, and it is what I am working toward.

Ahhh, Spring Break ... Well, Sort Of

We finally hit spring break. I think the students all needed one. There is a time in the classroom when, as a teacher, I feel like students are unfocused, tired and need breathing room. That's the way I have felt for the past couple weeks. I feel so ready for a spring break, too. And, I will truly enjoy it. Well, sort of. The reality is that I have about 30 hours of grading student writing in the next few days, and I need to get through without relying on the ever-tempting M&M in the process! On top of that, I need to spend a couple days helping my parents move. So, I am not really feeling a break coming--more just a change of frantic energies. I know, though, that getting through this hurdle of getting the papers/the grades done is going to be one of those huge stress releases. Today, I let the paperwork load dictate some emotional eating. Tomorrow, I am just going to tackle those papers -- all day long, so I don't have to dread the 30+ hours involved. I know that there will be many hours of delight in the papers, but that these papers will also be a very long, intense process. I will definitely post again.

A Good Day

I am a person of few words today. I had a good day and got my eating back on track. Whew. I am feeling good about the changes I have put into play mentally that I can't really do anything about until later anyway. It's good to think about them. I will committing to another good day tomorrow. With that, I am tired. I am going to bed.

Moving Toward Change

Recently, I have made a lot of big decisions about how to live my life. I wrote about many of them yesterday. The next few weeks wraps up the most intense parts of these current commitments. Tomorrow night, I teach the last night class of my schedule. I will be relieved when that is done. Then, over the next few weeks I ease out of the more demanding of the responsibilities. I am looking forward to pulling back and refocusing. I feel like my goal currently is to get to the point where I can start acting on my refocusing. I guess I did do something to that end today. It did not involve a good day of eating, but I got a lot of important other aspects of the change moving. I spent the day sorting through things I no longer need and am in the process of getting rid of some extra stuff. I have listed my first things on eBay, and there definitely has been a steep learning curve there. I hope I have not made any major mistakes. Mr. Transistor was a huge help in helping with selling some technology. It was so lovely to see the sun today--even if it is still cold out. Mr. Twister, though, spent his day outside in short sleeves and a sweatshirt (the high was freezing at 32 degrees F), and he and his friends thought it was nice enough to walk to get ice cream. I think they are all longing for summer--especially since it is spring break. We are hoping for the best case scenario on flooding considering we are in a flood warning zone. Tomorrow, I will to make a smoothie for breakfast and I will bring stir fry for lunch. That should get me moving in the direction I need to go. I doubt I will make it to exercise tomorrow, but I can see the end of that pattern coming, too. It's going to get a whole lot easier to exercise in the next couple weeks.

Recharting a Life's Course

I'm not sure I like my overviews within the blog entries, so I am going to eliminate that feature right now. I have not posted in a week in part because, yes, last week was a truly busy week. The bigger reason that I have not posted is my expanding waistline; yes, if I am honest, I have not posted because I have had a horrendous time of eating. I knew this time of year was going to be bad because I have not had any time to focus on myself. This really gets to me. I am frantically busy from 6:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. and that doesn't not build any time in for correcting papers, healthful cooking, sitting down and taking a deep breath. I stretch the schedule thinner by correcting papers when I should be sleeping. So, just like last year, I am gaining weight--rapidly. And, it's time to get it under control. As a result of the past week, I have been wallowing in emotional eating, and I have seriously considered the negative impact this has on my health. Thus, I am ready to make two major changes in my life, and I commit myself now to them: 1) I need to reevaluate my professional commitments and reduce the extras that I take on, and 2) I need to commit to writing for myself. Writing does help me in so many ways.

These periods of overcommitment (Jan.-April) have taught me a lot about myself over the past two years. I currently have been overcommitted for three months, and overall, I did better this year. But, the bottom line is that my days leave me no time for me. I find myself starting to hate work and eating emotionally to handle the stress. Even though logically, I know my motivations for my actions, I still do them. Part of the reason for the eating comes from physiological reasons: I shortchange my sleep first, then my exercise and my eating. I know there is a research-based connection between sleep deprivation and desire for fatty foods--I just heard about it again this week on the news. On top of that, I feel greater stress because I am not as available for my husband and my children. This causes more emotional stress, which leads to emotional eating. I need to break this cycle and enjoy my days. Life is short.

The bottom line is that I can and will no longer keep up such a frenetic pace that I used to enjoy a lot more than I do now. As an English teacher, I have a great deal of outside paperwork to complete on top of what I do during the day. While the reality is that I need the stipends from the two extracurriculars with which I am involved, the reality is also that I need to let at least one of these go and preferably both of them. This is a decision I have made. Next year, I will not do both of them. I may still have to take on one of them for financial reasons, but I will be done with both. I am going to scrimp and save in other ways rather than take on this schedule again.

My second commitment to myself is that I am going to blog frequently--at least five days a week. I have always wanted to write, but I have been afraid that I will not be able to commit to it. I have ideas for books that I start but never finish. I have started and stopped many journals. In 2009, I proved that I could write by finishing a book-length dissertation. For years, I have loved reading blogs. Reading them consistently made me want to write a blog. But, I have been afraid of not being able to commit fully to it because I have not succeeded in some of my other writing goals. But, over the past week, I have decided that this is the other decision I need to make for myself. I will blog. I will be a blogger. Maybe someone will even read my blog.

I must wrap up my overcommitments in the next couple weeks. While I do that, I may blog more sporadically than I plan in the coming months. I know that will be part of the process. I have enjoyed writing every entry so far, and I feel that I am moving in the right direction. I need this more than any of the extracurricular activities I have done. I am ready to commit.

Action Plan

1) Wrap up commitments

2) Blog

3) Organize Blog

3) Plan for shift in priorities

So Far, So Good

Review the Day

I had a good day. I started the day with spinning, went to work and had a relatively calm, focused day that was quite productive, and then I went back to the Y and lifted weights. Went out for supper with one son, stocked up on some exercise clothes, and stayed in control and focused. I ate a little more tonight, but not much. My husband and I have a 6:00 a.m. date for exercise tomorrow morning.  I am planning on running between 3-4 miles.

Stay Focused Even if Off Track

My hurdle tomorrow is getting through family lunch. We have company coming. I am planning on sandwiches for kids. I am not sure how I will handle it. I may have a sandwich or I may go for all veggies--depends how much time after getting the groceries. I would love to make a soup of some kind. That would eliminate my temptation. I am pretty sure a salad will be tough to stick to, so I might not even try. I plan to be flexible and stay focused--even if I get off track a little tomorrow.

Thursday Success Now ...

Avoid Friday Failure

This is the pitfall that awaits me every weekend during the school year. I get to Friday and feel like I should be able to celebrate. I am usually so tired that it involves a meal out/fast food, which gets me off to a bad start for the weekend. So, that celebration all too often involves food. Today was a good day for me. I should be noticing putting together several good days in a row soon. I also have amped up the exercise in March. I was a little late for spinning last night, but still got in 40 minutes and had my heart rate up. I had a hard time sleeping because I went spinning at night rather than in the morning. I prefer morning even if it difficult to get up. I do plan to spin tomorrow morning, so that is a good thing. I also have to plan a meal for company on Saturday. I will worry about that tomorrow night. I will have a salad/veggie part of the meal that I can focus my eating on. I plan to exercise, too, this weekend.

Cite the Stats (and Ramble A Bit :-)

I weighed in at WW today. 1.8 pounds down, although I think that is misleading because I had on lighter clothes than last week. Given my bump in exercise activity and lifting weights twice, I am happy with that (oh yeah, and my crazy weekend).  I'm not really following the program closely because I do know how to lose weight without tallying points, and I am doing that at the moment. What I struggle with is maintaining that loss. I am sure I could tally my points and find that I am on plan, but I do not need to. I eat lots of fruits and veggies. I am glancing at foods that I  eat and taking note of the point totals, which helps guide me. But the main reason that I am currently going is that I have outside accountability. The fact that my friend is going really helps. We keep each other on track. And, since I am so busy this time of year, it is easy to put off conscious health decisions till summer, and I cannot do that anymore. Plus, I really want to focus on my running this summer, and I would rather weigh less to do so. I am going to run my second half marathon this year, and I plan on beating my time significantly from last year. A key to that is carrying less weight. Plus, I tend to not struggle with my weight so much in summer. There is definitely a correlation between a very large paperwork load and eating too much in my life. The outside accountability of WW is helping me get through what tends to be a difficult time for me stress eating. If I have a good spring, it would not be unreasonable to be down 20 pounds for summer. That would be a good place to be.

Do You Want To Be Healthy?

Answer: Yes ... But

Last night I attended at a church meeting, and we discussed church health. The pastor compared church health to people's health and posed the question: Do you want to be healthy? Of course, I do. But, I could not answer without questioning all the ways I work against this answer: overeating, lack of exercising, overcommitting to responsibilities. The question still haunts me today. Answering that the question is one of the most important areas in my life right now as I work to change deeply engrained patterns forever. And, while there is definitely a choice involved in how I answer, there really is only one answer. I want to be healthy. I do not want to be unhealthy. Right now, I am lucky enough that the answer lies in my choice. So, really, there is no choice unless I want to live in denial, which I do not. The answer has to be yes because I want to keep living well. But, I still shy away from the question because wonder if I have the fortitude and commitment to align my behavior with my answer. That is what must happen if I answer yes. So, I continue to wonder if I have the ability to answer yes to that question--especially since the ultimate answer to that question involves getting to my lowest adult weight and staying there. But, I can only think about right now.

Savor the Goodness

I think this should be a regular section of the blog because I want to stay focused on the moment. I feel a great deal of satisfaction right now. I love my family. My body feels strong because of a good week of exercise. I like my job. The spring weather is coming. My busy time of the year is ending. I have much to be thankful for right now.

Plan the Day

Even though both my kids are home sick, I still need to pay attention to me. I am about ready to make my breakfast smoothie. It is getting late enough that I may be able to have my smoothie, and just have an early dinner. I have not been hungry yet this morning, so that might be a good plan. For dinner, I would like to have a baked potato with a little sour cream (definitely my crutch this week) and a lot of steamed broccoli. I will also have beans of some sort today. It will be a meatless day as nearly all days are for me. I also plan to meet my friend for WW.

Writing the Happy Ending

Banish the I Wants ...

As the Robert Burns poem states, the best laid plans of mice and men can quickly go awry. I did an excellent spinning workout this morning--really pushed myself even though I had lifted weights and run 3 miles yesterday in the late afternoon. It felt good, and I felt strong. I got home and 12 year old son was crying and saying, "I don't feel well." I asked if he knew I was at the Y and he said he did. My husband could not stay home today, so I did. Then, 15 year old son (I really need some good nicknames) got up and was sick, too. Got both boys into the doctor and both have viral infections--possibly differing ones--sigh. So, the winter drags on more, but that is another story for another time.

I got home from the doctor with the guys, and I was hungry and cold. I took a short nap and I was still hungry and cold. I had some coffee, which helped, but the "I wants ..." started. I wanted chips. I had chips--about 2 servings. I was still hungry but there was not time for lunch (I had to go in to work for a short time). I decided on 2 cheese sticks and held my ground. While coming home from work for lunch and stay with my sick kids, I had all sorts of "I wants ...". These ran through my head like the lyrics and rhythm of a bad song. 

            I want my favorite noodle dish.

            I want an egg salad sandwich. 

            I want my favorite noodle dish.

            I want an egg salad sandwich.

Pretty soon, I nearly had myself fooled that the decision was really between these two choices and NOT the healthy salad I had prepared at home. Since my eating has been precarious for two days, I needed to get myself in check. My salad sounded less than appealing. I did not want it. I did not want it all even though it was sitting already prepared in my refrigerator. 

Eventually, I thought: If I am going to have a salad, I really want a taco salad. I then started longing for tomatoes, salsa, taco-seasoned beans, sour cream, chips, cheese or any combination thereof.  Suddenly, the decision became between a taco salad or my salad. Of course, the lettuce was always greener in the other bowl of salad that I did not have in front of me--the familiar cliche about green grass goes something like that in this story. I didn't have any of the ingredients for a taco salad, and my salad was already made. Logically, I knew the way to feeling satisfied is through eating MY salad rather than going through all these convoluted other choices that would require more work, money, and traveling than my choice--besides which, I needed to get home to my 12 year old. I tried to see my salad for the goodness that it was. MY salad was prepared with fresh baby romaine lettuce, cucumber, and aduki beans with a little hummus on top and a carefully moderated amount of honey mustard dressing. Most days, I would be thrilled having a prepared salad like this in the fridge when I was hungry. But, today, the disordered thinking nearly got the better of me. 

Ultimately, I am proud to say that my logic won out with a small emotional concession granted to keep me from larger indiscretions. Trying to get just a little bit closer to dream of the taco salad, I added one serving of sour cream. My salad was delicious, and I do not want any other types of food now. Had I gone the way of noodles, egg salad or taco salad, I would feel unsatisfied and unhappy with myself.  As is, I am no longer hungry and I am no longer craving things I do not have or want to have. I am happy with myself. Today, I get to write the happy ending. I like happy endings. I just need to write them for myself more often.

Wacky Weekend

Contradict Thyself!

What a weekend of contradictions. Great day on Friday. Yesterday, I did 5 miles on the elliptical on intervals. My difficult interval had a level 12 resistance, which was challenging for me. Then, I did not have the appropriate healthy foods at home. I was hungry and got off plan--way off plan. This morning, my husband, oldest son and I went out for breakfast, which was fine but too much. Additionally, I supplemented it with too many M&Ms :-(. I went to the Y to work out--had a great weightlifting workout--was back at my highest weight numbers for it and felt strong. Then, I was going to walk-run a couple miles, but it felt so good, I ran for 3 miles--slowly but I broke a sweat and got my heart rate up. I would have gone further, but my husband was ready to leave. I came home and continued supplementing my excessive relationship with chocolate :-( and ate too much for dinner. But, I did only have two meals today, so the damage could have been worse. Even if the number on the scale doesn't move this week or even goes up, I know I am doing better. My pants were looser than they were three days ago. I am getting back in the exercise groove that I lost in January. Yes, there is an irony. Most people do better with the new year. I did worse. I did great through the end of December and fell off in January because my schedule was too busy and because everyone in the family got sick, and I eventually was sick for most of February. In fact, I think the illness hung on longer than that because this was the first weekend that I didn't need a nap!

Plan for Tomorrow

I have to make my breakfast smoothie tonight and a salad for lunch. Tomorrow evening, I teach a night class. I have a couple different ideas for that--all of them vegetarian options and controlled plans.

Fantastic Friday!

Move That Body!

The sun came out, snow melted, spirits soared around here! The winter has been tough and people are ready for spring! Blowing snow tomorrow, but above freezing temps next week--yay. I started the day exercising. I had a great workout at spin class this morning. After work, I went back to the Y and lifted weights and walked for an hour with a friend. I had dinner and took the dogs on a short walk. It all felt so good!

Plan the Weekend

I am planning on going to the Y first thing tomorrow morning. Otherwise, I am just too good at putting it off and not getting there. I also need to spend some time grading papers--only a couple hours or so. I need to make a trip to the store for groceries, too. Breakfast smoothie is made, so little chance of falling off my plans since all I have to do is remove breakfast from fridge, add straw and enjoy!

Expand the Mind

I am in need of a new reading book at home. Of course, I have a couple in my classroom at school. But, I do not have them home. I feel a little lost without them. I may have to pick up a book I have lost some interest in but want to make sure I finish. Time to go decide!

Update on Week

Review the Week

Sadly, I have not been online to update. I knew March would be extraordinarily busy. And, it is. I have had mixed success since my first post. Last weekend, I had a rough one. But, since Monday, I have been doing well. The fact that I have not given up on thinking I can be successful this month is good. I attended WW with a friend tonight, and that was good. Last March, I really fell to pieces with my eating because of the many responsibilities and I completely gave up. This March, I am trying to have fewer issues to recover from and trying to stay in control.

Plan the Blog

I know I won't get much posting done this month. I am pulled too many directions for the next few weeks. But, I plan to post sporadically to get myself in this habit.

Record the Exercise 

Not much success here for a few days. But, since Monday, I am doing well.

Monday: Spinning class 45 minutes

Wednesday: Spinning class 45 minutes (this one felt like the first good workout in awhile).

Plan for Tomorrow

In order to stay in control, tomorrow, I need to get some groceries. I have my breakfast and lunch prepared already so I can exercise in the morning. Supper is the weak spot and the wild card.

Speak My Truth: Why I Am Here

Start This Out

I read many blogs, and I love them. I find myself especially inspired and helped by health and weight blogs. Now, I need to start writing my own blog and not just reading others. I want to track my exercise, health and weight. The thing is that for me: health nearly always comes back to my weight. I have spent a great deal of time in the clinical categories of overweight or obese, and, yes, I want to put those weight categories behind me. My weight has daily affected who I am and how others perceive me, but it has not solely defined who I am and my integrity--both of which go far beyond numbers on a scale. While I am frustrated with myself in relation to weight issues, I am not unhappy with myself or my life.

My commitment to myself is this: I will enjoy my life as I undertake this health blogging journey. I will celebrate my accomplishments as they happen, acknowledge my shortcomings, and learn and grow from all my experiences. I will improve myself as I work to improve my weight, my health, and my spirit in myriad ways. I will embrace learning and seek self-empowerment through this journey.

I have always struggled with my weight, and I think to keep it real, I must admit that this is a central concern for me when it comes to health. Since I am 42 years old, I think it is safe to say that I will always be struggling in some way with weight, which is why I included the word in the title of the blog. The good news is that I have maintained a 50-60 pound weigh loss over the past few years from my highest weight. The bad news is that I keep traversing the same 15 pound range over and over again--I'm generally not going above it, but I am not going below it. I know how to lose weight, and for me, sometimes too much weighing makes me impatient. I know I am in the top end of my 15 pound range and it's time to find a new range. So, I will be working toward that although I am as of yet unsure of the role that statistics will play in my blog or record keeping.

Since health is about action in so many ways, I am going to connect my ideas with using action verbs in my post titles and headings. Hopefully, keeping action central in my thoughts will help me focus on what I have done, what I am doing, and what I will do in to achieve better health.

Move the Body

Exercise: 4 stars: Not the longest or most effective workout, but it was one I needed because of the time I have spent away from exercise. Getting back in the groove is always difficult.
   • Lifted weights
   • 30 minutes on the elliptical (yay, back to morning exercise after illness and schedule kept me away--I forgot how much better I feel with this.)

Nourish the Body

Food Quantity: 4 stars
    • Big bowl of chili brought this down
Food Nutritional Value: 3 stars
    • Ate meat in chili (prefer to skip meat)
    • Added some sour cream and crackers to chili (kept me from eating other things for dinner--both amounts controlled and reasonable)
    • Fruits and Veggies: awesome!!!!!!

Think about Tomorrow

Food Planning for tomorrow: 3 stars
    • Breakfast smoothie made
    • Salad for lunch (needs to be made)
    • Dinner is difficult on Wednesday nights because of family commitments: smaller bowl of chili planned, baked potato and cooked green veggie