While I am teaching summer school, I struggle every day with what to wear. First off, I don't have many summer clothes for work. Secondly, I have few summer clothes that fit me at this size. Today, I wore a shirt that is way too big. Granted, it's a light blue shirt that requires no ironing. It's at least two sizes too big. I love and hate this shirt. It's soft and looks nice. The color is good for my eyes. This shirt has been there for me when I have failed myself (silly concept really, thinking of an inanimate object this way, but it is the truth). I have been able to wear this shirt when my weight has started to spiral out of control at the end of the school year.
I could probably gain 40-50 pounds and fit in this shirt. In fact, I wore this shirt when I was that much heavier. Now, rather than being daily wear, this shirt is a final resort: I wear it when nothing else fits. This shirt is one that represents my cycles: smaller in the summer and bigger by the end of the school year. I overcommit myself during the school year, and then my health spirals out of control because I run out of time to focus on myself and I start to rely on fast food, and then the cycle begins. I use food as a coping mechanism to get through piles of papers and the cycle grows and continues. I cannot find the equilibrium I have right now.
This blue shirt is the largest piece of spring/summer clothing I own. Every year, I think I should get rid of this shirt because it is a destructive "safety net". An ironic name really. Eating the way I do when I wear this shirt is not safe. It's a self-destructive pattern. There is nothing safe about this shirt. In any way. Yet, as I struggle with needing to get rid of this shirt, my tendency is to want to keep it "just in case". For three years, I have worn it because my other shirts did not fit. For three years, the shirt has looked horrible on my because it is too big. But, I keep thinking: what if I need this shirt next year?
This blue shirt is a really a symbol of my fear of both success and failure. As I said, it's a safe shirt. It's plenty large and I swim in it. It "hides" an expanding waist line. It's a final-end. I have no bigger shirts than this. I fear if I get rid of it, I will regret it. I keep it because I fear I will fail. I keep it because I fear success. How will I get to next spring and keep an identity that eats well, that eats healthy?
I don't know how I will do other than one decision at a time. But, I know I need to make those decisions. I must get rid of this shirt. I have gotten rid of other larger clothing without this same attachment. I also have not regretted getting rid of any of it. I also have not needed to go buy the larger clothing because the fact that I had no other clothing helped reign me in. Even as I write this, I think: "I can keep this shirt as an example of a shirt that was of a bigger size--a who-I-was relic, rather than a who-I-am piece of clothing." That is not honest, though. I want to keep it because it is a safety net--perhaps because if I keep it, I don't have to change. Yes, if I am honest with myself, I know that I see the shirt as safe ground, as a sign that I can continue destructive patterns. I absolutely need to get rid of my blue shirt. And, I am afraid to do it. But, I need to. This is part of the commitment I need to make to myself. For goodness sakes, it looks terrible on me. I don't even like wearing clothes about three sizes too big. There is no reason to keep it.
Exercise: walk/run 6 miles
Eating: Full Eat to Live
One other observation on how I feel: I feel like I am cleansing in many ways, that I am sweating out weight. It's almost a tingly feeling in my hands, around my feet even above my chest where I feel like I am both shrinking and gaining well being.
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