Mixed Success

The good news: I have had an incredibly productive day with more healthy choices today than in a long time! I have graded papers for at least 10 hours and have surpassed my goal of what I thought I would get done. I feel like a burden is being released. I plan to do grade some more papers tonight to get even more momentum. I also have balanced how I approach the papers in a way that is allowing me enjoyment of the process. There are times when it is so intense that it is hard to do that. I have found the ideal balance on this assignment.

On the good news side, too: I also made a shredded chicken dish to bring to my parents' house this weekend as I am helping them move. Mr. Twister and I have accomplished a lot of reading today to meet his reading goal for school on Monday. He has trouble with focus and independent reading, but he does really well being read to. He won't make it if he has to read all of it himself. Mr. Twister is feeling good about this. I watched with envy tonight as Mr. Conundrum headed out the door for a length exercise session. Next week, that will be me again. Things start to open up. Mr. Transistor is a bit under the weather with a cold. I am hoping that will not be me next week ...

The bad news: I did have two pieces of dessert for supper, cheese, some caramel corn, and a glass of juice. No healthy choices there. Yes, I got a bit carried away but I stopped. Even with this burst, I am feeling good. Breakfast and lunch were nearly all veggie, beans, fruit and nuts in controlled portions. Progress and action always helps. It's amazing the weight anticipation can hold over me at times. I think that's a point I need to write more about at a later time. I know that I emotionally eat in moments of dread--especially when I lose all time for myself. That's what I have been doing lately--certainly, it's what happened last weekend. I don't know. Even this bad news just isn't feeling too bad because of all I got done. If I stay up late tonight, get up early, then on Sunday, I should be able to have a reduced workload and some space for me. That is what I need more than anything, and it is what I am working toward.

Ahhh, Spring Break ... Well, Sort Of

We finally hit spring break. I think the students all needed one. There is a time in the classroom when, as a teacher, I feel like students are unfocused, tired and need breathing room. That's the way I have felt for the past couple weeks. I feel so ready for a spring break, too. And, I will truly enjoy it. Well, sort of. The reality is that I have about 30 hours of grading student writing in the next few days, and I need to get through without relying on the ever-tempting M&M in the process! On top of that, I need to spend a couple days helping my parents move. So, I am not really feeling a break coming--more just a change of frantic energies. I know, though, that getting through this hurdle of getting the papers/the grades done is going to be one of those huge stress releases. Today, I let the paperwork load dictate some emotional eating. Tomorrow, I am just going to tackle those papers -- all day long, so I don't have to dread the 30+ hours involved. I know that there will be many hours of delight in the papers, but that these papers will also be a very long, intense process. I will definitely post again.

A Good Day

I am a person of few words today. I had a good day and got my eating back on track. Whew. I am feeling good about the changes I have put into play mentally that I can't really do anything about until later anyway. It's good to think about them. I will committing to another good day tomorrow. With that, I am tired. I am going to bed.

Moving Toward Change

Recently, I have made a lot of big decisions about how to live my life. I wrote about many of them yesterday. The next few weeks wraps up the most intense parts of these current commitments. Tomorrow night, I teach the last night class of my schedule. I will be relieved when that is done. Then, over the next few weeks I ease out of the more demanding of the responsibilities. I am looking forward to pulling back and refocusing. I feel like my goal currently is to get to the point where I can start acting on my refocusing. I guess I did do something to that end today. It did not involve a good day of eating, but I got a lot of important other aspects of the change moving. I spent the day sorting through things I no longer need and am in the process of getting rid of some extra stuff. I have listed my first things on eBay, and there definitely has been a steep learning curve there. I hope I have not made any major mistakes. Mr. Transistor was a huge help in helping with selling some technology. It was so lovely to see the sun today--even if it is still cold out. Mr. Twister, though, spent his day outside in short sleeves and a sweatshirt (the high was freezing at 32 degrees F), and he and his friends thought it was nice enough to walk to get ice cream. I think they are all longing for summer--especially since it is spring break. We are hoping for the best case scenario on flooding considering we are in a flood warning zone. Tomorrow, I will to make a smoothie for breakfast and I will bring stir fry for lunch. That should get me moving in the direction I need to go. I doubt I will make it to exercise tomorrow, but I can see the end of that pattern coming, too. It's going to get a whole lot easier to exercise in the next couple weeks.

Recharting a Life's Course

I'm not sure I like my overviews within the blog entries, so I am going to eliminate that feature right now. I have not posted in a week in part because, yes, last week was a truly busy week. The bigger reason that I have not posted is my expanding waistline; yes, if I am honest, I have not posted because I have had a horrendous time of eating. I knew this time of year was going to be bad because I have not had any time to focus on myself. This really gets to me. I am frantically busy from 6:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. and that doesn't not build any time in for correcting papers, healthful cooking, sitting down and taking a deep breath. I stretch the schedule thinner by correcting papers when I should be sleeping. So, just like last year, I am gaining weight--rapidly. And, it's time to get it under control. As a result of the past week, I have been wallowing in emotional eating, and I have seriously considered the negative impact this has on my health. Thus, I am ready to make two major changes in my life, and I commit myself now to them: 1) I need to reevaluate my professional commitments and reduce the extras that I take on, and 2) I need to commit to writing for myself. Writing does help me in so many ways.

These periods of overcommitment (Jan.-April) have taught me a lot about myself over the past two years. I currently have been overcommitted for three months, and overall, I did better this year. But, the bottom line is that my days leave me no time for me. I find myself starting to hate work and eating emotionally to handle the stress. Even though logically, I know my motivations for my actions, I still do them. Part of the reason for the eating comes from physiological reasons: I shortchange my sleep first, then my exercise and my eating. I know there is a research-based connection between sleep deprivation and desire for fatty foods--I just heard about it again this week on the news. On top of that, I feel greater stress because I am not as available for my husband and my children. This causes more emotional stress, which leads to emotional eating. I need to break this cycle and enjoy my days. Life is short.

The bottom line is that I can and will no longer keep up such a frenetic pace that I used to enjoy a lot more than I do now. As an English teacher, I have a great deal of outside paperwork to complete on top of what I do during the day. While the reality is that I need the stipends from the two extracurriculars with which I am involved, the reality is also that I need to let at least one of these go and preferably both of them. This is a decision I have made. Next year, I will not do both of them. I may still have to take on one of them for financial reasons, but I will be done with both. I am going to scrimp and save in other ways rather than take on this schedule again.

My second commitment to myself is that I am going to blog frequently--at least five days a week. I have always wanted to write, but I have been afraid that I will not be able to commit to it. I have ideas for books that I start but never finish. I have started and stopped many journals. In 2009, I proved that I could write by finishing a book-length dissertation. For years, I have loved reading blogs. Reading them consistently made me want to write a blog. But, I have been afraid of not being able to commit fully to it because I have not succeeded in some of my other writing goals. But, over the past week, I have decided that this is the other decision I need to make for myself. I will blog. I will be a blogger. Maybe someone will even read my blog.

I must wrap up my overcommitments in the next couple weeks. While I do that, I may blog more sporadically than I plan in the coming months. I know that will be part of the process. I have enjoyed writing every entry so far, and I feel that I am moving in the right direction. I need this more than any of the extracurricular activities I have done. I am ready to commit.

Action Plan

1) Wrap up commitments

2) Blog

3) Organize Blog

3) Plan for shift in priorities

So Far, So Good

Review the Day

I had a good day. I started the day with spinning, went to work and had a relatively calm, focused day that was quite productive, and then I went back to the Y and lifted weights. Went out for supper with one son, stocked up on some exercise clothes, and stayed in control and focused. I ate a little more tonight, but not much. My husband and I have a 6:00 a.m. date for exercise tomorrow morning.  I am planning on running between 3-4 miles.

Stay Focused Even if Off Track

My hurdle tomorrow is getting through family lunch. We have company coming. I am planning on sandwiches for kids. I am not sure how I will handle it. I may have a sandwich or I may go for all veggies--depends how much time after getting the groceries. I would love to make a soup of some kind. That would eliminate my temptation. I am pretty sure a salad will be tough to stick to, so I might not even try. I plan to be flexible and stay focused--even if I get off track a little tomorrow.

Thursday Success Now ...

Avoid Friday Failure

This is the pitfall that awaits me every weekend during the school year. I get to Friday and feel like I should be able to celebrate. I am usually so tired that it involves a meal out/fast food, which gets me off to a bad start for the weekend. So, that celebration all too often involves food. Today was a good day for me. I should be noticing putting together several good days in a row soon. I also have amped up the exercise in March. I was a little late for spinning last night, but still got in 40 minutes and had my heart rate up. I had a hard time sleeping because I went spinning at night rather than in the morning. I prefer morning even if it difficult to get up. I do plan to spin tomorrow morning, so that is a good thing. I also have to plan a meal for company on Saturday. I will worry about that tomorrow night. I will have a salad/veggie part of the meal that I can focus my eating on. I plan to exercise, too, this weekend.

Cite the Stats (and Ramble A Bit :-)

I weighed in at WW today. 1.8 pounds down, although I think that is misleading because I had on lighter clothes than last week. Given my bump in exercise activity and lifting weights twice, I am happy with that (oh yeah, and my crazy weekend).  I'm not really following the program closely because I do know how to lose weight without tallying points, and I am doing that at the moment. What I struggle with is maintaining that loss. I am sure I could tally my points and find that I am on plan, but I do not need to. I eat lots of fruits and veggies. I am glancing at foods that I  eat and taking note of the point totals, which helps guide me. But the main reason that I am currently going is that I have outside accountability. The fact that my friend is going really helps. We keep each other on track. And, since I am so busy this time of year, it is easy to put off conscious health decisions till summer, and I cannot do that anymore. Plus, I really want to focus on my running this summer, and I would rather weigh less to do so. I am going to run my second half marathon this year, and I plan on beating my time significantly from last year. A key to that is carrying less weight. Plus, I tend to not struggle with my weight so much in summer. There is definitely a correlation between a very large paperwork load and eating too much in my life. The outside accountability of WW is helping me get through what tends to be a difficult time for me stress eating. If I have a good spring, it would not be unreasonable to be down 20 pounds for summer. That would be a good place to be.

Do You Want To Be Healthy?

Answer: Yes ... But

Last night I attended at a church meeting, and we discussed church health. The pastor compared church health to people's health and posed the question: Do you want to be healthy? Of course, I do. But, I could not answer without questioning all the ways I work against this answer: overeating, lack of exercising, overcommitting to responsibilities. The question still haunts me today. Answering that the question is one of the most important areas in my life right now as I work to change deeply engrained patterns forever. And, while there is definitely a choice involved in how I answer, there really is only one answer. I want to be healthy. I do not want to be unhealthy. Right now, I am lucky enough that the answer lies in my choice. So, really, there is no choice unless I want to live in denial, which I do not. The answer has to be yes because I want to keep living well. But, I still shy away from the question because wonder if I have the fortitude and commitment to align my behavior with my answer. That is what must happen if I answer yes. So, I continue to wonder if I have the ability to answer yes to that question--especially since the ultimate answer to that question involves getting to my lowest adult weight and staying there. But, I can only think about right now.

Savor the Goodness

I think this should be a regular section of the blog because I want to stay focused on the moment. I feel a great deal of satisfaction right now. I love my family. My body feels strong because of a good week of exercise. I like my job. The spring weather is coming. My busy time of the year is ending. I have much to be thankful for right now.

Plan the Day

Even though both my kids are home sick, I still need to pay attention to me. I am about ready to make my breakfast smoothie. It is getting late enough that I may be able to have my smoothie, and just have an early dinner. I have not been hungry yet this morning, so that might be a good plan. For dinner, I would like to have a baked potato with a little sour cream (definitely my crutch this week) and a lot of steamed broccoli. I will also have beans of some sort today. It will be a meatless day as nearly all days are for me. I also plan to meet my friend for WW.

Writing the Happy Ending

Banish the I Wants ...

As the Robert Burns poem states, the best laid plans of mice and men can quickly go awry. I did an excellent spinning workout this morning--really pushed myself even though I had lifted weights and run 3 miles yesterday in the late afternoon. It felt good, and I felt strong. I got home and 12 year old son was crying and saying, "I don't feel well." I asked if he knew I was at the Y and he said he did. My husband could not stay home today, so I did. Then, 15 year old son (I really need some good nicknames) got up and was sick, too. Got both boys into the doctor and both have viral infections--possibly differing ones--sigh. So, the winter drags on more, but that is another story for another time.

I got home from the doctor with the guys, and I was hungry and cold. I took a short nap and I was still hungry and cold. I had some coffee, which helped, but the "I wants ..." started. I wanted chips. I had chips--about 2 servings. I was still hungry but there was not time for lunch (I had to go in to work for a short time). I decided on 2 cheese sticks and held my ground. While coming home from work for lunch and stay with my sick kids, I had all sorts of "I wants ...". These ran through my head like the lyrics and rhythm of a bad song. 

            I want my favorite noodle dish.

            I want an egg salad sandwich. 

            I want my favorite noodle dish.

            I want an egg salad sandwich.

Pretty soon, I nearly had myself fooled that the decision was really between these two choices and NOT the healthy salad I had prepared at home. Since my eating has been precarious for two days, I needed to get myself in check. My salad sounded less than appealing. I did not want it. I did not want it all even though it was sitting already prepared in my refrigerator. 

Eventually, I thought: If I am going to have a salad, I really want a taco salad. I then started longing for tomatoes, salsa, taco-seasoned beans, sour cream, chips, cheese or any combination thereof.  Suddenly, the decision became between a taco salad or my salad. Of course, the lettuce was always greener in the other bowl of salad that I did not have in front of me--the familiar cliche about green grass goes something like that in this story. I didn't have any of the ingredients for a taco salad, and my salad was already made. Logically, I knew the way to feeling satisfied is through eating MY salad rather than going through all these convoluted other choices that would require more work, money, and traveling than my choice--besides which, I needed to get home to my 12 year old. I tried to see my salad for the goodness that it was. MY salad was prepared with fresh baby romaine lettuce, cucumber, and aduki beans with a little hummus on top and a carefully moderated amount of honey mustard dressing. Most days, I would be thrilled having a prepared salad like this in the fridge when I was hungry. But, today, the disordered thinking nearly got the better of me. 

Ultimately, I am proud to say that my logic won out with a small emotional concession granted to keep me from larger indiscretions. Trying to get just a little bit closer to dream of the taco salad, I added one serving of sour cream. My salad was delicious, and I do not want any other types of food now. Had I gone the way of noodles, egg salad or taco salad, I would feel unsatisfied and unhappy with myself.  As is, I am no longer hungry and I am no longer craving things I do not have or want to have. I am happy with myself. Today, I get to write the happy ending. I like happy endings. I just need to write them for myself more often.

Wacky Weekend

Contradict Thyself!

What a weekend of contradictions. Great day on Friday. Yesterday, I did 5 miles on the elliptical on intervals. My difficult interval had a level 12 resistance, which was challenging for me. Then, I did not have the appropriate healthy foods at home. I was hungry and got off plan--way off plan. This morning, my husband, oldest son and I went out for breakfast, which was fine but too much. Additionally, I supplemented it with too many M&Ms :-(. I went to the Y to work out--had a great weightlifting workout--was back at my highest weight numbers for it and felt strong. Then, I was going to walk-run a couple miles, but it felt so good, I ran for 3 miles--slowly but I broke a sweat and got my heart rate up. I would have gone further, but my husband was ready to leave. I came home and continued supplementing my excessive relationship with chocolate :-( and ate too much for dinner. But, I did only have two meals today, so the damage could have been worse. Even if the number on the scale doesn't move this week or even goes up, I know I am doing better. My pants were looser than they were three days ago. I am getting back in the exercise groove that I lost in January. Yes, there is an irony. Most people do better with the new year. I did worse. I did great through the end of December and fell off in January because my schedule was too busy and because everyone in the family got sick, and I eventually was sick for most of February. In fact, I think the illness hung on longer than that because this was the first weekend that I didn't need a nap!

Plan for Tomorrow

I have to make my breakfast smoothie tonight and a salad for lunch. Tomorrow evening, I teach a night class. I have a couple different ideas for that--all of them vegetarian options and controlled plans.

Fantastic Friday!

Move That Body!

The sun came out, snow melted, spirits soared around here! The winter has been tough and people are ready for spring! Blowing snow tomorrow, but above freezing temps next week--yay. I started the day exercising. I had a great workout at spin class this morning. After work, I went back to the Y and lifted weights and walked for an hour with a friend. I had dinner and took the dogs on a short walk. It all felt so good!

Plan the Weekend

I am planning on going to the Y first thing tomorrow morning. Otherwise, I am just too good at putting it off and not getting there. I also need to spend some time grading papers--only a couple hours or so. I need to make a trip to the store for groceries, too. Breakfast smoothie is made, so little chance of falling off my plans since all I have to do is remove breakfast from fridge, add straw and enjoy!

Expand the Mind

I am in need of a new reading book at home. Of course, I have a couple in my classroom at school. But, I do not have them home. I feel a little lost without them. I may have to pick up a book I have lost some interest in but want to make sure I finish. Time to go decide!

Update on Week

Review the Week

Sadly, I have not been online to update. I knew March would be extraordinarily busy. And, it is. I have had mixed success since my first post. Last weekend, I had a rough one. But, since Monday, I have been doing well. The fact that I have not given up on thinking I can be successful this month is good. I attended WW with a friend tonight, and that was good. Last March, I really fell to pieces with my eating because of the many responsibilities and I completely gave up. This March, I am trying to have fewer issues to recover from and trying to stay in control.

Plan the Blog

I know I won't get much posting done this month. I am pulled too many directions for the next few weeks. But, I plan to post sporadically to get myself in this habit.

Record the Exercise 

Not much success here for a few days. But, since Monday, I am doing well.

Monday: Spinning class 45 minutes

Wednesday: Spinning class 45 minutes (this one felt like the first good workout in awhile).

Plan for Tomorrow

In order to stay in control, tomorrow, I need to get some groceries. I have my breakfast and lunch prepared already so I can exercise in the morning. Supper is the weak spot and the wild card.

Speak My Truth: Why I Am Here

Start This Out

I read many blogs, and I love them. I find myself especially inspired and helped by health and weight blogs. Now, I need to start writing my own blog and not just reading others. I want to track my exercise, health and weight. The thing is that for me: health nearly always comes back to my weight. I have spent a great deal of time in the clinical categories of overweight or obese, and, yes, I want to put those weight categories behind me. My weight has daily affected who I am and how others perceive me, but it has not solely defined who I am and my integrity--both of which go far beyond numbers on a scale. While I am frustrated with myself in relation to weight issues, I am not unhappy with myself or my life.

My commitment to myself is this: I will enjoy my life as I undertake this health blogging journey. I will celebrate my accomplishments as they happen, acknowledge my shortcomings, and learn and grow from all my experiences. I will improve myself as I work to improve my weight, my health, and my spirit in myriad ways. I will embrace learning and seek self-empowerment through this journey.

I have always struggled with my weight, and I think to keep it real, I must admit that this is a central concern for me when it comes to health. Since I am 42 years old, I think it is safe to say that I will always be struggling in some way with weight, which is why I included the word in the title of the blog. The good news is that I have maintained a 50-60 pound weigh loss over the past few years from my highest weight. The bad news is that I keep traversing the same 15 pound range over and over again--I'm generally not going above it, but I am not going below it. I know how to lose weight, and for me, sometimes too much weighing makes me impatient. I know I am in the top end of my 15 pound range and it's time to find a new range. So, I will be working toward that although I am as of yet unsure of the role that statistics will play in my blog or record keeping.

Since health is about action in so many ways, I am going to connect my ideas with using action verbs in my post titles and headings. Hopefully, keeping action central in my thoughts will help me focus on what I have done, what I am doing, and what I will do in to achieve better health.

Move the Body

Exercise: 4 stars: Not the longest or most effective workout, but it was one I needed because of the time I have spent away from exercise. Getting back in the groove is always difficult.
   • Lifted weights
   • 30 minutes on the elliptical (yay, back to morning exercise after illness and schedule kept me away--I forgot how much better I feel with this.)

Nourish the Body

Food Quantity: 4 stars
    • Big bowl of chili brought this down
Food Nutritional Value: 3 stars
    • Ate meat in chili (prefer to skip meat)
    • Added some sour cream and crackers to chili (kept me from eating other things for dinner--both amounts controlled and reasonable)
    • Fruits and Veggies: awesome!!!!!!

Think about Tomorrow

Food Planning for tomorrow: 3 stars
    • Breakfast smoothie made
    • Salad for lunch (needs to be made)
    • Dinner is difficult on Wednesday nights because of family commitments: smaller bowl of chili planned, baked potato and cooked green veggie