Goal Setting

One of my favorite school guidance counselors that I have worked with frequently discussed the importance of goals with students when he talked to them about course registration. He had done a lot of reading about the power of goals, and he talked about how much better people did with goals than without. 

I need to make a set of goals. I have had them in mind, but I haven't put them down in print in a meaningful way. And, that's what I need to do right now. Put those goals in print.

• Health

• Lack of cognitive dissonance between what I should do and what I do

• Ability to move better whether running, biking, swimming, etc. I don't mind being in the slow part of my age group, but I would love to move into the middle realm

• Sleeveless shirts

• Smaller clothes

• No medications as I age

• I would love to see my bone structure--something I haven't seen in a long time. Have I even seen it since elementary school? If I am honest, I haven't. How wide are my hips? 

• Run a 10K with Mr. Conundrum and my dad this fall. Hopefully, we will get Mr. Twister to run as well

• Run a half-marathon with Mr. Conundrum and a friend??? I did this last year and enjoyed it (surprisingly). I would like to beat my time and be able to run more at the end.

I am sure I have more goals. But these are all I can think of now. I will probably add more to the list as I think of them.

I did okay eating today. Not fully Fuhrman. I made a mix of onions and zucchini that I don't like much. Also, I don't like my plain portabella mushroom without dressing on it. I added a bit of prepared hummus to these. and then I had a few more crackers and prepared hummus to keep me from straying further. Not too bad, though.

I felt strong lifting weights today. I then did a half-hour on the elliptical (intervals 4 and 12). I did not feel particularly great doing that, but I know it was good. My exercise momentum is currently very good. Everything is feeling stronger.

Wearing My Dilemma on my Big Blue Shirt Sleeves

While I am teaching summer school, I struggle every day with what to wear. First off, I don't have many summer clothes for work. Secondly, I have few summer clothes that fit me at this size. Today, I wore a shirt that is way too big. Granted, it's a light blue shirt that requires no ironing. It's at least two sizes too big. I love and hate this shirt. It's soft and looks nice. The color is good for my eyes. This shirt has been there for me when I have failed myself (silly concept really, thinking of an inanimate object this way, but it is the truth). I have been able to wear this shirt when my weight has started to spiral out of control at the end of the school year.

I could probably gain 40-50 pounds and fit in this shirt. In fact, I wore this shirt when I was that much heavier. Now, rather than being daily wear, this shirt is a final resort: I wear it when nothing else fits. This shirt is one that represents my cycles: smaller in the summer and bigger by the end of the school year. I overcommit myself during the school year, and then my health spirals out of control because I run out of time to focus on myself and I start to rely on fast food, and then the cycle begins. I use food as a coping mechanism to get through piles of papers and the cycle grows and continues. I cannot find the equilibrium I have right now.

This blue shirt is the largest piece of spring/summer clothing I own. Every year, I think I should get rid of this shirt because it is a destructive "safety net". An ironic name really. Eating the way I do when I wear this shirt is not safe. It's a self-destructive pattern. There is nothing safe about this shirt. In any way. Yet, as I struggle with needing to get rid of this shirt, my tendency is to want to keep it "just in case". For three years, I have worn it because my other shirts did not fit. For three years, the shirt has looked horrible on my because it is too big. But, I keep thinking: what if I need this shirt next year?

This blue shirt is a really a symbol of my fear of both success and failure. As I said, it's a safe shirt. It's plenty large and I swim in it. It "hides" an expanding waist line. It's a final-end. I have no bigger shirts than this. I fear if I get rid of it, I will regret it. I keep it because I fear I will fail. I keep it because I fear success. How will I get to next spring and keep an identity that eats well, that eats healthy?

I don't know how I will do other than one decision at a time. But, I know I need to make those decisions. I must get rid of this shirt. I have gotten rid of other larger clothing without this same attachment. I also have not regretted getting rid of any of it. I also have not needed to go buy the larger clothing because the fact that I had no other clothing helped reign me in. Even as I write this, I think: "I can keep this shirt as an example of a shirt that was of a bigger size--a who-I-was relic, rather than a who-I-am piece of clothing." That is not honest, though. I want to keep it because it is a safety net--perhaps because if I keep it, I don't have to change. Yes, if I am honest with myself, I know that I see the shirt as safe ground, as a sign that I can continue destructive patterns. I absolutely need to get rid of my blue shirt. And, I am afraid to do it. But, I need to. This is part of the commitment I need to make to myself. For goodness sakes, it looks terrible on me. I don't even like wearing clothes about three sizes too big. There is no reason to keep it.

Exercise: walk/run 6 miles
Eating: Full Eat to Live

One other observation on how I feel: I feel like I am cleansing in many ways, that I am sweating out weight. It's almost a tingly feeling in my hands, around my feet even above my chest where I feel like I am both shrinking and gaining well being.

Heat and Internet Problems

All is well here. The heat is bad and getting worse. Internet down and I am just checking in for the sake if checking in. I lifted weights today and took a short walk. Pushed myself on weights. Did not push myself in walk. Eating fine but not great. I hate such hot humid weather. Sigh. Internet access tomorrow I hope. That's all for now.

Success Breeds Success

The evening is early, but I feel like I am through the nasty time of temptation, so I am writing early for me (I like to reflect on the day in writing). I have had a day that promotes health, which is my goal! One of my observations about getting going on eating healthy is that if I have a few imperfect days where I worry less about balance and more about whole foods, then I am able to get closer and closer to the Fuhrman Eat to Live plan. Today is my first day since Friday where I have been 100% on the six week program, and it feels good.

In the past three days, I have noticed the following benefits.
   • Overall feeling of well being
   • Improved sleep
   • Improved exercise
   • More alert
   • Rings fitting better (even in high humidity)
   • Clothes fitting better
   • More positive attitude
   • Increased productivity
I hope by maintaining a list of benefits, I can look at that during those times of temptation in order to avoid this.

Today, after I was teaching summer school, I was thinking very positively about how I could have a healthy day. I felt great about the prospects. Then, I thought about being able to do this all the time and giving up the foods I have loved most of my life, I had a low moment and could only see myself failing. The thing is that I want health and I don't want to fail. The way I got through the moment was by thinking about how I can only live in the moment. I also know that the more I stick to this, the more it becomes habit and what I crave. Dr. Fuhrman talks about how tastes change, and I know they do. I have experienced it. I experienced incredible success on the program two years ago and lost 40 pounds from where I am now. I want to exceed that for myself and I want to move out of this perpetual cycle I have of starting and stopping healthy habits. I know that my only way to success is through Eat to Live. I need those greens!

Breakfast: Smoothie with kale, romaine lettuce, spring mix, blueberries, strawberries, banana, apple and chia seed.

Dinner: water-sauteed onions and zucchini with salt-free bouillon, lightly grilled portabella mushroom, tomato, 1/2 avocado, raspberries, and a small handful of raw, unsalted pistachios, almonds and sunflower seeds

Exercise: 7 miles on intervals on elliptical, 6 miles on recumbent bike

Not Perfect But Moving Forward

I had a good day in many regards. I am sleeping so much better since improving my diet from Thursday. It's incredible how quickly that happens. I have noticed it before, and I need to keep it in mind before getting off track. I much prefer sleeping well.

Another accomplishment: Day 3 without regular decaf coffee. I suppose this is the biggest help to my sleep--LOL. I did indulge in Swiss water press coffee, which decaffeinates coffee using water and which eliminates all but a trace of caffeine. I have read that decaf coffee can actually have quite a bit of caffeine in it, and my own experiences with decaf concur with that idea--i.e. through agitated sleep after decaf.  So, right now that is my big accomplishment is getting off the small amount of caffeine in decaf coffee. This is a huge addiction to get rid of because the coffee with caffeine triggers cravings for bad foods. I have not had that happen with the Swiss water press coffee in the past.

I also ran/walked 5.5 miles today, which is great considering the weather. It's oppressive here in the Midwest with temps calling for excessive heat warnings. The humidity is extremely high, too. I did have too many starches today and not enough green veggies, but I stayed vegan today and I don't think I overdid the eating with my exercise. Also, when weather is like this, I typically avoid exercise. I am pleased with success today. My glasses fog up every time I go outside. Mr. Twister went off to a wilderness camp today and will be outside all week in this horrid heat. I hope they swim a lot and that the kids do okay.

Decent Day

I did better than most days this week. I started the day by weightlifting and running. I made it two miles and then my knee started bothering me just a tad. I decided that since I am heavy for running, I would stop immediately. I then hopped on the elliptical and did intervals for nearly an hour at resistance 4 and 10. When all was said and done, I totaled nearly 5 miles on the elliptical  to add to my 2 miles on the treadmill for a total of nearly 7 miles. I felt good during the whole time. I did lots of errand running--i.e. grocery stores for all sorts of things.

I was not fully on the Fuhrman plan yet, but I did very well overall. We had company for dinner and I did not stray too far off the plan.

Breakfast: smoothie with chia, fruits, and greens; sunflower seeds; garbanzo beans
Snack: crackers and hummus
Dinner: lots of veggies, 1/2 bratwurst and fruit

Biggest Accomplishment: No decaf coffee

Hot, humid days like this are usually treacherous for me. I am glad my husband and I decided to exercise first thing in the morning.

Getting Serious

I need to get serious about my health. I eat well for a couple weeks, and then I lose for a few days to a week or two. As a result, I am in a perpetual cycle of sameness. I feel awful when I go in this never-ending circle that ultimately hurts me. I also sleep better when I eat well. I need to get this cycle and addiction under control.

I have decided that I am going to follow Dr. Fuhrman's Eat to Live program. I have been messing around with it off and on for several years, and when I followed it consistently, I was about 40 pounds lighter than I am today. I feel so good on the program--why would  I went back today and have had a good day overall for day one--it was not a perfect Fuhrman day but it was much better than yesterday and the day before. 

On the plus side, I had plenty of kale and other greens. I had fruit, which is a negative because it was too much. I also had soup, although it did not have mushrooms or leafy greens it. I had two kinds of crackers, which I would be better off without. And, I ate pistachios with salt on them. Oh, and a big plus, I did not have my fix of decaf coffee today. So, that is huge. No exercise, though, but lots of odds and ends taken care of.

I have dallied with blogging for awhile and I think that getting serious about the blog would help, too. So, I need to do that now. This is very random, but it is posted. I have committed.